| Ah the family vacation. We all look forward to that | | | | hospital is more than an hour away. |
| valuable bonding time with our loved ones. It's been | | | | 4) Take up jogging. Not only will your heart thank you |
| planned for months, the money squirreled away, and | | | | but so will your state of mind. It's a great excuse to |
| the anticipation built to a crescendo. "How many more | | | | get out of the psych ward, especially when timed with |
| sleeps daddy?" Good times, a break from the rat race, | | | | notorious 'fussy' periods. Nobody will begrudge your |
| and the height of summer delights are just around the | | | | dedication to a healthy lifestyle. However, scouting out |
| corner. Or are they? | | | | the terrain in advance is a must. Foolishly taking a route |
| Embarking on a family vacation with young children, I | | | | past marshy or boggy wetlands will leave you with a |
| can now attest, takes some ingenuity and hard-nosed | | | | few hundred uninvited buzzing guests around you to |
| research. Kudos to you Google. No matter what the | | | | contend with. Tip: To avoid suspicion, make jogging |
| website says, the 'quaint, rustic cottage', in reality, | | | | part of your new healthy routine months prior to the |
| means tiny and littered with mouse droppings. | | | | actual date of the family vacation. |
| 'Child-friendly swimming area', turns out to be a | | | | 5) Bring plenty of drugs. Of course not the illicit kind. |
| snake-infested swamp. And that dilapidated shed | | | | The youngest will most definitely decide to cut new |
| down by the water that sells chips and pop is the | | | | teeth during this family pilgrimage while the oldest will |
| 'full-service marina'. All of these 'surprises' may be | | | | find a wall to fall off. Children's acetaminophen or |
| charming for the young couple unfettered with kids but | | | | ibuprofen are wonderful marvels of medicine that |
| are curses to the family with generally well-behaved | | | | should be used whenever possible. Adult versions |
| tots who are now cutting new teeth or peppering you | | | | should also be readily available. FYI: Alcohol may |
| with repetitive questions until three in the morning. Yes | | | | intensify the effect. |
| the family vacation truly is a matter of psychological | | | | 6) Provide your own life jackets. Personal Flotation |
| survival. Disposing of any romanticized visions of a | | | | Devices from the '60s were not manufactured with |
| Norman Rockwell family portrait is step one. Think | | | | the same safety standards employed by their modern |
| more along the lines of Chevy Chase or Steve Martin. | | | | day cousins. Plus, not only is idea of decades of b.o. |
| Follow these ten crucial rules and you may survive, | | | | touching your skin repulsive, it is virtually impossible to |
| dare I say even enjoy, your maiden trek with tots in | | | | escape (reference Seinfeld episode). |
| tow. | | | | 7) Bring your own toilet paper. Nothing accelerates the |
| 1) Bring reinforcements. Even if they are your in-laws, | | | | irritation factor (pardon the pun) like toilet paper that |
| having others to tag along should be a top priority for | | | | could have come from a hardware store. |
| rookie travelers with young children. Ideally, siblings, | | | | Recommendation: Make sure this is your suggestion. |
| friends, or even second cousins are the preferred | | | | Your genus factor will rise when your spouse, swishing |
| choice. Beg, plead, do whatever it takes. They are an | | | | from numerous Tim Horton stops, desperately needs |
| invaluable tool for your survival. Getting away from | | | | to make a potty stop on one of the side roads you'll |
| your family while on vacation, as backwards as it | | | | eventually get lost on. |
| sounds, it vital to your long-term mental health. Finding | | | | 8) All-purpose wipes. Invest heavily in them. Wipes are |
| solitude, even for an hour, to decompress and regroup | | | | not strictly for baby's bottoms. Have you ever seen a |
| will increase the odds of actually enjoying the family | | | | one-year old eat an ice cream cone? |
| vacation. In the likely event that reinforcements laugh in | | | | 9) Save your spare change: This will come in handy in |
| your face and decline your invitation, it will be | | | | two ways. First, no matter how many clothes you |
| imperative that both adults play each other off once in | | | | pack, a trip to the local Laundromat is inevitable. But to |
| awhile. Potential pitfall: this alone time must be equitable | | | | spin it in your favour, volunteer to make the trip |
| to both. Failing to adhere to this rule will result in | | | | yourself. This becomes an additional 'mental health' |
| problems that only an entirely new article can address. | | | | break that is not covered by the stipulations found in tip |
| 2) Have a map handy. The indispensable GPS | | | | #1. |
| suddenly becomes just another annoying voice in the | | | | 10) Bring your 3G phone: With sketchy internet service |
| chaos that is your car when it fails to recognize the | | | | at best, your laptop will become a glorified DVD player, |
| county roads or the recently renamed side roads you | | | | susceptible to varying degrees of dirty fingers. |
| find yourself lost on. Bringing an old-fashioned road | | | | However, 3G phones have an amazing ability to fill all |
| map, or one downloaded from Google, will save you | | | | of your wired needs from emailing to just plain surfing. |
| the aggravation of two hungry kids and your spouse | | | | Warning: Set to quiet. Use sparingly in the presence of |
| begging you to stop for directions. Added benefit: | | | | family. Remember you are on 'vacation'. If desperate, |
| maps don't flash 'Acquiring Satellite' for an hour. | | | | phone may be used out of view when nature calls. |
| 3) Hit a grocery store on the way in. The 'full-service' | | | | Use antibacterial soap generously. |
| marina closes at 4:00 pm and doesn't carry anything | | | | Do not, at any time, deviate from these ten rules for |
| of nutritional value anyway. And don't forget the | | | | surviving the family vacation. Doing so absolves the |
| condiments, especially if your daughter won't even look | | | | writer (me) of any liability whatsoever. Because in |
| at hot dog without any ketchup on it. While you are at | | | | theory, although the rustic cottage away from it all |
| it, buy some Calamine lotion because you will be told | | | | may sound ideal and life-changing, the journey is |
| two days into your stay that the 'swimming area' is | | | | fraught with hazards from the moment you leave your |
| surrounded in poison ivy. Tip: Do not try to prove that | | | | driveway. Fun can be had on this mission of misery, |
| you know what poison ivy looks like by picking up a | | | | but only at the price of diligence and obedience. Be |
| random plant and rubbing it all over your body. The | | | | sure to bring a camera for posterity's sake. |